Recently I was talking with two newly married women about work and life. Although they didn’t come out and say it, their attitude was that they didn’t want to be stay-at-home moms. One made a comment about how she’d have to do something. I tried not to take offense at the idea that stay-at-home moms do nothing. And let me clarify that I don’t think these young ladies should or shouldn’t stay home. I believe it’s a personal decision. But moms know, there is no down time when you’re a stay-at-home mom. You’re never wondering what to do.

While I didn’t want to dash their idealism, I did mention that working and being a mom was about all a woman had time to do. Many moms don’t have hobbies or personal time, and some lose their sense of self. This is true for moms who stay home or work outside the home. It’s one of the things I began to notice when my son was in preschool, and fought to avoid.  Here are tips you can use to manage your work and family life, as well as maintain your sense of self.

1. Define what you want your life to be like. If you want to work and have a family, what does that look like? What kind of work do you do? What is your work schedule. How does the time with kids fit in that? When will you have time for personal pursuits and what will they be?

2. Use your “ideal” life to guide decisions you make about work and life. If its important that you’re home when the kids get home from school, you’ll need to find work that allows for that.  If you want to be a full-time mom but can’t afford it, what work-at-home options will provide you with the income you need while still raising your children?

3. Be willing to fight for what you want. Women, and mothers in particular tend to put their needs and wants behind others. They want to take a bath and read, but dad needs to do something in the garage or the kids want to play a game. While compromise is a part of being in a family, you want to make sure you’re not always the one who’s giving in. Compromise is a two way street, so make sure you’re getting what you need as well.

4. Take control. One way that life becomes unmanageable is by taking on too much. Doing an extra project at work, signing the kids up for multiple activities, volunteering, and the inability to say “no” to friends and family means there isn’t enough time to do everything you want to do. So guard your calendar and your time like its money; don’t let anyone steal it from you. It’s fine to want to do a lot of things, but you may not be able to do everything at once. Kids don’t need to be in multiple activities.  In fact some experts feel that kids these days are over-scheduled.  Be conscientious about the tasks you take on. If it’s creating too much stress or too unmanageable, let it go.

Most moms who stay home with their children, do so because they want to be active and present in their children’s lives. In doing so, they often give up a little of themselves. Before long, a stay-at-home mom’s day is filled with games, toys, walks to the park, dishes, laundry, cooking, nursing, counseling and refereeing. And unlike a traditional job that mom can leave, stay-at-home moms never get time away. It’s a 24/7 job. For some, if not most moms, this can can lead to depression.

Many moms who begin to feel bad, also begin to feel guilty for feeling bad. They don’t believe they have the right to feel bad because it’s their job to take care of the kids and house as a stay-at-home mom. But being a stay-at-home mom, doesn’t mean you have to completely give up who you are. In fact, the more you sacrifice yourself, the less effective you become.

Here are some tips to warding off or dealing with depression:

1) Take time for you everyday. This is the biggest challenge for moms, but it must be done. Everyone needs a break. Talk a walk after dinner and let dad watch the kids — he needs time with them too. Or take a long soak in the tub. Anything that give you a physical and mental break, and time to nurture your soul.

2) Take up a hobby. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom if you do something for you. Kids need to see that you’re more than a mom and wife. You have interests and ideas, and are a whole well-rounded person.

3) Connect with others. Meeting with other moms in person is ideal. Look for local mom’s groups or check with Meet-Up online to find groups in your area. If you can’t get out, connect with other moms online.

4) Get working. Many moms love being at-home moms, but miss the feelings of accomplishment and approval that comes with a job. Find a work-at-home job or start a home business. Look for part-time work in your local area. Don’t worry that you’re kids will suffer. Daycare teaches social skills and helps prepare kids for school.

5) Gauge how bad you feel. Sometimes moms get into a funk that can be remedied by a day off or participating in a hobby. But other times, depression can be more serious. If you find that you are sad and disinterested most of the time, would rather sleep all the time, have changes in your appetite and experience feelings of worthlessness, it’s time to visit a doctor. Depression is a serious condition that can be treated. Don’t be afraid to get professional help.

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