Schools talk a big talk about parent involvement. And parents should be involved in their child’s education and the school. However, schools are not always welcoming or approachable. Many parents find them intimidating and judgmental. Having worked in schools for several years, I saw how parents were sometimes treated; like students. Of course, I saw many parents who were indifferent to their child’s education as well, which admittedly is frustrating. But not all parents are slackers.

When I was in social work school, I took a school social work class in which the professor referred to schools and classrooms as undifferientiated ego masses. I’ve always loved that, because its true. Basically it means schools and classrooms are worlds unto themselves. Like realms where it’s their way or the highway. This isn’t necessarily bad. Schools need rules and order to be effective. At the same time, if schools want parents engaged, they need to let down the walls and allow parents to participate as equals.

I bring this up because yesterday my son got his driver’s license. In Virginia, you have to go to court and a judge gives you the license. As a result, my son had to miss the first hour of school. Once the judge gave my son his license, I took him to school along with a note asking the school to excuse his tardiness. I even explained why he was tardy. That afternoon my son came home and told me his tardy wasn’t excused. Apparently a note from mom wasn’t good enough. I had to give the school the letter from court (which I’d hoped to save for a scrapbook).  So basically, the school thinks I’m a liar. Or that my son is a forger. I don’t know what they think, but it can’t be good. Why wasn’t my word good enough? My son has probably missed 10 days in his entire school career (he’s a junior). He’s in honors and AP classes. He never gets in trouble. But the school wouldn’t except the note his mother wrote. No wonder I don’t want to volunteer.

Schools take a lot of undeserved flack for the state of education in this country. I’ve worked in schools and have seen wonderful teachers do the best they can with what they got. And its true that for kids to get the full benefits of education, parents must be involved. But for it to work, schools need to respect parents and work with them. The truth is, involved parents often have to fight for their kids. My son missed an important opportunity because neither of the two teachers who were in the conference with his father and me mentioned he could qualify. He was recommended for an honors class, but wasn’t put in it because the class was full. To me that was unacceptable. When they said there was no space, I offered to bring a desk and chair. Ultimately, I had to call the counselor, the vice principal and the superintendent before he was put in the class he deserved to be in.

I have a friend with a son who has some very special issues for which he takes medication. His teachers always send home notes on his behavior. But the school would not do any testing to determine the best educational program for him. My friend had to find an educational advocate – equipped with the educational law code – to intervene.

Even parents who don’t have issues like this often find it hard to go into schools. For the school-parent partnership to work, schools and teachers need to do more than give rhetoric. They need to listen to parents with respect. The need to acknowledge that parents might have good ideas or that if things aren’t working, it’s not necessarily because the parent doesn’t care, but because the parent doesn’t know what to do or doesn’t have the resources. As a school social worker, nearly all the families I worked with wanted to do right for their children, but didn’t have the knowledge or resources. But ignorance doesn’t make them bad people. All parents would be more involved if they felt welcomed when they walked into schools and heard when they discussed their concerns.

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Unless you live in a hole or somewhere other than the east coast of the U.S., you know that we just had an earthquake centered in Mineral, Virginia and felt as far north as New Hampshire. Having grown up in California, I’ve been in a few earthquakes. At school, we had earthquake drills. But I’m not sure they have those in the east. No one thinks of the east coast when they think of earthquakes, even though this is the third earthquake I’ve been in while living in Virginia.

As my house started to rumble and shake, I headed straight to the bathroom. I could have ducked under my desk, but the bathroom has nothing to fall on me and no windows. Since it is about 10 feet away from my office, I felt I could get there safely.

What you’re not supposed to do is run outside, which is what many people instinctively want to do. The problem with running outside is that stuff might fall on you. Falling stuff is the danger and why you need to get under a strong structure ASAP.

Of course, if you’re already outside, stay there and move away from buildings to avoid falling stuff.

To read more on earthquake safety, check out FEMA’s recommendations.

July 6, 1991

Today is my 20th wedding anniversary. There is a saying that goes, “And they say it would never last”, but people who know my husband and me have probably never said that. We’d already been together seven years when we got married and never had any issues during that time. Now 20 years, two kids and many adventures later, we’re still going strong. Though we’ve struggled at times, our marriage has always been solid.

Here’s why I think we do so well:

1) Respect. This is a word thrown around a lot with little explaination on how to do it. In our house we never call each other names, even when kidding (well…sometimes we might say silly goofus). But words like “spaz”, “stupid”, etc are never used towards each other even in jest. That wasn’t a rule we made. It’s just how we are. Further, and maybe more importantly, we listen. We listen even if we don’t agree. And if don’t agree, we don’t attack the other’s opinion. We simply share our own ideas. Listening and accepting — though not necessarily agreeing — the other person’s view point is a form of respect.

2) Communicate. This is another marriage concept that gets thrown around with little explaination on how to do it right. Let’s face it, all people communicate. But some communication is better than others. It goes back to name-calling and judging. We don’t do that. We also don’t let things fester. If I’m bothered or annoyed by something, I say so. But I don’t say, “You’re driving me nuts doing your stupid stuff.” That’s not likely to work. Instead I share how I feel. When he’s annoyed at me, he does the same. I think that’s why we don’t fight. That’s not to say we don’t irritate each other. And we don’t always agree either. But we talk rationally without blaming, sharing our thoughts and feelings. From that we forge a compromise.

3) Have a life. My husband plays soccer every Sunday. Sometimes he plays more than once a day. Some weeks he may be involved in rec sports several days. During those times, I’m responsible for getting my kids to where ever it is they need to be. But I don’t fuss at my husband for not helping. He works hard and deserves to have some fun doing what he enjoys. I have a writer’s group every Thursday night. Once or twice a year, I like to have a girls’ weekend out with friends or family. During those times, my husband is responsible for taking care of the kids. Fortunately, he doesn’t fuss at me for this. I work hard too and my husband supports me when I need a little away time as well. A marriage joins two people, but that doesn’t mean those people can’t continue to pursue their interests. You don’t have to be together and do everything all the time. In fact, it’s probably better that you don’t.

4) Think of your spouse. I got back from 4 days away to find flowers cut from our yard sitting on my desk. Sometimes I’ll buy something not on the grocery list just because I know my husband loves it. I’m not talking about making grandiose, expensive gestures. Instead, I’m talking about little things that let your spouse know you’re thinking of them. It could be a note, a phone call at work, a flower from the garden…. anything that will make your spouse smile.

5) Connect. To be honest, I’ve been avocating for a date night for years, and it doesn’t seem to happen. But even without the formality of a date, my husband and I work to stay connected. I’m pooped during dinner time, but I still make the effort to ask how his day was. He listens to me prattle all the time — he’s earned his wings for that! I think many marriages fail once the kids leave home because the parents have lost touch with each other. Their lives are so focused on work and kids that their relationship gets neglected.

6) Play. As a family, we love to laugh and have fun. We play board games, cards and Wii. We hike, go on picnics and love to spend a day at an amusement park. We truly enjoy each other and the kids. Playing goes a long way to staying connected (#5). You don’t need a lot of money or even tons of time. You just need to find moments to have fun and enjoy each other.

In my attempts to save money, meal planning and grocery shopping has become more complex. I’m clipping coupons, shopping multiple stores to get the best prices, and planning meals around what’s on sale. Being domestically and organizationally challenged, this new way of cooking and shopping has been difficult for me to manage.

But I’ve just come across a great new web and phone app that can make it easier. Ziplist offers lots of great features to create a shopping list and plan meals. The shopping list can be organized by aisle or store. It can be shared with other members of the family so that they can add items.

Not sure what to make for dinner? Ziplist has tons of recipes and with a single click all the ingredients can be added to your list. It will even show you items that you may already have at home so that they aren’t added to the list. And if you find a recipe on another website, you can save it to your Ziplist recipe box.

When you’re ready to shop, you can print out your list or access it by through your SmartPhone (iPhone app coming soon).

To learn more or to create your own list, visit Ziplist.